Adventures in Windbreaking

Everyday, I think to myself "MY POOR KIDS HAVE ME FOR A MOM!" I'm a good mom, but . . .

I'm always the goofy one, the clumsy one, the forgetful one, the late one, and the stained one.

For instance, today I had to have a Colonoscopy. It's cool but . . .  I forgot to take off my bra when I got into my gown, and I was too embarrassed to say anything.

So here I'm trying to remove my bra, so I can throw it into the trash. Dispose of the evidence. No one would know. Right?

I got it unsnapped and remove it from one arm, but then I realized I couldn't get it off because my IV was in the way. So then I tried to tear the strap with my free hand, with my teeth, with my mind. Nothing worked, meanwhile this man is watching me. I frantically turn my attention to the IV, could I disconnect it myself? I've seen episodes of Grey's Anatomy. How hard can it be?

Too hard. Something beeps. Was it my machine or his?

I give up and put the bra back on. I fasten it, but it's all twisted. At this point, I don't care. I don't EVEN care that my bra is not on right and is riding up past my breasts, and I'm about to use it as a chin guard.

I later find out that leaving your bra on is no BIG deal. Seriously?

Legit, if that wasn't embarrassing enough, the first thing they ask me when I wake from anesthesia is "Did you fart yet?"

Listen lady, I'm trying to figure out where I am, what happened, and if I'm alive or in heaven. 

So the minute she leaves, I let it rip. I used my bottom as a machine gun.  Brrrrratatatatata ratatata. She quickly comes back. "It's okay. You can stop now! I heard you fart."

And then I giggle, what adult uses the word FART anymore? I can't even say it out loud without laughing. I'm like a freaking 3 year-old boy. "Haha . . . she said FART."

I would think the medical terminology would be to "pass gas".

However, I asked Siri and its actually flatulence.

Did you know the average person toots 14 times a day?

I surpassed that!

It felt good that for one day out of the year, I was no longer considered average. All toots considered, I was extraordinary. Or maybe, I was just "extra".

Moral MOMent: We are far from perfect humans. Sometimes, we are the sum of our farts, uh, I mean parts.